The Truth About Being Ghosted

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You can choose to walk around with the story that

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you've been ghosted and then go tell all your friends. Woe is

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me. I'm a victim. I've been ghosted again. All these men are

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ghosting. Or you can be the one who has that healthy, thriving

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relationship internally, isn't waiting for somebody else to

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validate them, but gives it to yourself. If someone does not

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respond to you, you can bless them and set them free, send

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them a final note. You know, whatever, but also know like you

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know, even if someone disappears for from your life for a while,

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you may hear from them again, but it's like you decide what

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matters to you and what's important to you in relationship.

Kate Harlow: 00:00:38

Hello, beautiful. Welcome to the new truth. Kate Harlow, here I'm

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hanging out in my beautiful little burrow in Nairobi, Kenya.

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My cottage is heaven. I'm still in love with it. In case you

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were wondering how it was feeling. It's my second week

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here, and I just feel like this is my soul's home. I'm so I just

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feel so alive here. And I if you listen to the episode last week,

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if you haven't listened to it, I go back and listen to it about

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trusting your heart, because my saboteur was so loud before I

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moved here, my, you know, she was coming up with all the

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reasons why I should stay in Greece, should stay in Athens

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all the things I was giving up and, you know, sitting on the

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other side. And I'm sure I said this exact thing last week, but

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I'll just keep reiterating it. Sitting on the other side. I'm

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remembering your body and your heart. Know the way, and it

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doesn't make sense to the logical mind. It doesn't make

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sense to the scripted woman you've been taught to be. It's

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not going to make sense. She's going to want to do bold things.

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She's going to want to do courageous things. She's going

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to want to do weird and wacky things that make no sense to

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your mind. But your mind doesn't need to get on board because

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you're it will catch up later. What needs to get on board is

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your your your whole being and your actions aligning with those

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pulses in your heart and those truths in your body. So yeah,

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couldn't be happier just feeling so so grounded and so connected

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and have made so many friends already. And just it's just like

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this feels like such a fertile, rich place where there's so much

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nature and so much love and so much creativity and

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collaboration. So if you're longing for some of that, come

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visit me and excited to have this conversation with you today

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about being ghosted, the truth about being ghosted, because I

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hear this term so often, and you know, as some I can even use it

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in a in a calm, in a humorous way, like, are they ghosting us

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or whatever? It's like, kind of a funny term, but you know, when

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you think about it, people have been bad at communicating since

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the beginning of time, but probably, I think, with the

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modern age of technology, I think communication skills have

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plummeted, and the reason for that is because most people are

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so overwhelmed. We are over stimulated. We are overwhelmed.

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We are over connected. Like, if you actually think about it,

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when I grew up and I'm dating myself for those Gen Z's on on

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the on the line, you're not gonna even I said on the line

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like you're on a phone Gen Z's who are tuning in today, you're

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not going to know what I'm talking about. But there was a

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time where we didn't like, I think there was a time where my

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family didn't even have an answering machine. We just had a

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phone, just like, call your buddy a phone with a cord

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attached to the phone. You know, there was a time we didn't have

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portable phones. You couldn't walk around the house and talk

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on the phone. You had to sit in one spot and you didn't have

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call display, so you didn't know who was calling. You just had to

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answer all the calls or ignore all the calls. And if, if there

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was no answer machine, they couldn't even leave a message.

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So like, this is what the world used to be like it used and

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before, you know, I don't know what year phones were invented,

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but before that, there were no phones. So think about that for

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a second in contrast. And that wasn't that long ago, okay, I'm

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44 so that was like the first, I don't know, 15 years of my life,

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not 15, maybe 10 years of my life, where we didn't have a

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portable phone, we didn't have an answering machine. That was

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like 35 years ago. 35 years ago. That's not that long that that's

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how communication used to be. You know, you'd see people when

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you'd see people, you'd bump into them at the grocery store,

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you'd see them at school. You'd see, you know, the neighborhood

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kids, but you wouldn't be in touch with 10 million people at

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once. So I didn't plan to start with this, as I don't usually

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plan much of what I'm going to say. But this is the first thing

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that cut that's coming through is that there's such expectation

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and such such demand on people responding immediately, and if

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they don't, it means something. And you know, with WhatsApp, you

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have blue two blue check marks, you know, if someone's seen your

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message. And you know, people freak out if they don't get a

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response, or if they don't hear from people. But I just think.

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Like, actually tune into how busy you are in your life, and

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how many places people can message you, and how many people

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are messaging you every day, on Instagram, on Facebook, on

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email, on texting, on WhatsApp, on Viber, on Voxer on frickin

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those ones that are aren't encrypted or whatever, but I

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don't know the names of all of them, but they're, you know.

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Think about all the places that we can be reached nowadays, and

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all the open loopholes, those messages that are open, that you

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you know, maybe haven't gotten back to. I forget to respond to

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people all the time. You know, I certainly have my, probably my

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top five people who I talk to every day, my mom and dad, my

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Mariana. That's it. That's those. Actually, those are the

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only people I talk to every day. Changing a little bit with my

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girls that are in Kenya with me. But it's like, do you have your

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regular people that you're just used to responding and going

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back and forth. But then you have the outer, you know,

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everybody else, and it's like it is so overwhelming. How many

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people can get in touch with us from so many places? On one

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hand, it's an extraordinary gift, right? It's an

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extraordinary gift being in 2025 being able to travel the world,

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meet people all over the world and stay in touch, right? To be

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able to have friends that live everywhere, how cool is that?

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And simultaneously, it's incredibly overwhelming. So if

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you think about how busy you already are, and then all of the

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things you have going on, and then all of the people who are

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trying to get in touch with you, it is absolutely insanely

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unrealistic that we put expectations on ourselves to

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respond immediately or even within a day to people's

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messages. And also so disruptive, right? If you would

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just have your phone by you all the time, and you're like

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constantly in other people's worlds, messaging that person,

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that person, this thing, this thing. I mean, how disruptive is

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that to being grounded in yourself and in your life. And

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then on top of that, you know the the expectation to to

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respond when our lives are so full, and the expectation we

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have on other people to respond to us. So the reason ghosting

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hurts, and you know that term is such a funny term, I'm sure,

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like some tick tock or some, I don't know, someone made it up

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online, and it just went viral really fast, because that term

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did not exist. I think it's been around for like, maybe 10 years.

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But the term ghosting is so funny because, first of all,

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it's a victim it's a victim mentality. It's like, I have

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been ghosted. This thing has happened to me. I'm a victim of

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this thing. But the reality is, you know, we only it only has

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impact on us if we make meaning of it and take it personally,

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right? If someone doesn't respond. And of course, when you

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have romantic feelings for someone, your your desire to

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hear back from them is going to be heightened, yes, your

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expectation, your the pressure to have them respond in a

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certain way and a certain time, because you're if you they're

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not, your saboteur is going to be making meaning of that,

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right? So it's not the actual thing that hurts, it's the

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meaning that you're making of the thing. Because here's the

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reality, there's it doesn't mean anything. I have a great example

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of this. I wasn't ghosted, but I guess you could look at it this

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way. I met this okay, I want to call them a couple. There were

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not a couple. Woman and man, very cool. Loved them, both from

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Kenya, or they live. They both live in Kenya. Think he's from Kenya,

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but they were very cool. They live in Nairobi, and we had a

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sweet chat at the end of the wedding, Elizabeth's wedding I

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went to at Ola pangi farm here in Kenya when I first got here a

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couple weeks ago. And they were so cool. We had the best

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conversation. And he took my phone number and was like, hey,

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we'd love to connect you when you're in Nairobi, whatever. And

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I woke up the next day and I was like, Oh, I wish I got his phone

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number. Like, I hope I hear from him. He was so cool, not because

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I want to date him or anything like that, but you like that,

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but just because they're they were both so cool, and I'm

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expanding my community, and I really enjoyed their energy, and

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I thought it would be so great to stay in touch. I didn't take

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his number. He didn't he messaged me yesterday and that

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it's been like, three weeks since the wedding, or two weeks

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since the wedding, I don't know how long, but, you know, no part

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of me was like, Oh, he's ghosting. He's disappeared. It

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was just like, okay, he'll message me, or he won't, and

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I'll bump into him again, or I won't, and her and, you know,

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connect with this cup. Okay? Not a couple. I keep thinking

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they're a couple because they were together at the wedding,

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but I'll either reconnect with them or I won't. There's this,

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like, level of non attachment that I always carry, even when

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I'm inside of a relationship, right? It's like, I've got me,

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so no matter what happens, I've got me. I don't have to worry

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about somebody else, you know, somebody, if I'm dating someone

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and they take three days to text back and we've been dating for

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three months, okay, that's not aligned. I like consistency.

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Consistency is important if i. In a romantic like, actually a

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committed relationship with someone, but also it's, it's not

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personal if I don't hear back from them, right? So that's the

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practice is to know that, first of all, most people suck at

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communication. Have you noticed? And I wonder why? Like, did

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anybody teach us anywhere along the lines how to communicate?

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Well, no, no one taught us how to communicate. No one taught us

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how to navigate all the big feelings we have. No one taught

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us how to navigate when, you know, I'm so, let's say a lot of

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instances, I think people ghost because they've moved on to

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someone else, or they're not interested anymore, and they

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they feel bad saying that, or they don't want to be

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uncomfortable with going through like having that conversation.

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Maybe that person grew up with a mom or a dad who didn't ever it,

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didn't, ever let them have their own truth, right, who gaslit

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them and told them, you know, they couldn't have what they

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wanted, they couldn't do what they wanted, and never let them

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go their own way and follow that inner compass. So if someone

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grew up with that, and they feel like everyone they meet is going

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to convince them to go against their truth, what's easier

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trying to convince people or just disappearing, right?

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Someone who's like a people pleaser even could do that

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because there's they're so nice and kind that they don't want to

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face someone's upset. They don't want to have someone try and

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twist their arm, because if they're not solid in themselves

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and they're living from their patterns, that's what happens

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where most people are out there in relationships, dating from

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patterns. So if the alternative is someone's going to change my

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mind, or I'm going to have to be really uncomfortable and witness

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someone be devastated by this information, I'm just gonna

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disappear into the bushes. That seems way easier, like I get

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that doesn't that make sense like that when, when you

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actually think about it like there's a deeper reason why, you

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know, okay, some people are just extreme narcissists, and they

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actually do not give a fuck about your feelings. They're

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just in their own worlds, in their own everything's about

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them, which that's that exists too, and if that's the case,

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this is really good information to know, right? Okay, this

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person doesn't care about me or my experience, so that therefore

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they're actually not aligned to be in even a friendship with me,

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if they're not caring or considerate of my own

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experience. But this is so important, right? It's like you

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can't know that to be true, that they don't care about your

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experience. Some people do care, but they just suck at

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communicating. They don't know how to be clear and solid in

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their truth, but also be kind and loving and hold space for

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your experience and your feelings. So the reason why

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people don't communicate and they just disappear is because

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it's it just seems easier to them for some reason, but it

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doesn't mean anything about you. So the real reason why something

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like ghosting people disappearing and not

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communicating really hurts. And I get it. I mean, I know that

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there's so many stories of people who've been in

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relationship with people for a long time, and then they just

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disappear like that's devastating. And the reality is

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when you have your own back, which obviously the new truth

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every episode is about, when you have your own heart, your own

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self, and you are with you at all times, even when somebody

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else disappears, an adult cannot be abandoned. It's only the

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child part of you, the Wounded Little girl inside, that feels

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abandoned, and if she doesn't have your heroine in my speak

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your the sovereign woman inside of you there to comfort her in

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those times she's just going to be waiting for the next hit from

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the guy, waiting for that person to come back, longing for

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someone else to fill that void, right? It's only the wounded

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part of you that feels abandoned. Because, yeah, of

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course, when we are ghosted and it deeply hurts, if most of the

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time we feel abandoned, it's an abandonment wound, or it's a

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like, am I not good enough? Am I not worthy? And what does your

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saboteur do in that instance? Most of our saboteurs take this

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thing that happened and use it as ammunition against ourselves,

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right? We use it to punish ourselves further. We use it to

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be like, See, you're not worthy. That guy just disappeared.

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You're you know, you suck. No one's ever gonna love you. Or we

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use it as ammunition against men or women or whoever you're

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dating, but it's like we use it as ammunition. See, there's no

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good men out there. There's no good men left on planet Earth.

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Everyone's assholes. Nobody cares anymore. This is just the

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dating world. This is just what's out there. And then you

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add it to your collection of stories, and then what do you

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keep getting the same thing, because you believe that to be

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true, and therefore that's what you attract, right? But

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something else is possible here. This is a moment. This is an

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opportunity for you to clean up your side of the street. Wait.

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Where did I have expectations? Right? Where was I not allowing

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this relationship to organically unfold? If I am attached to this

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person showing up in the way I want them to so I feel better.

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That's not love, that's attachment, that's a little kid

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attached. I need you to give me something so that I feel good,

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so that I know that I'm worthy, so that I know that I'm lovable,

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so that I know that I have value. I need you to keep

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showing up, right? And so the sovereign woman, like you're

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always looking through two lenses. The little girl looks at

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that situation is like, this thing happened to me. Oh, my

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God, it's this. This thing is happening everywhere. Everyone's

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ghosting everyone, and it becomes this big drama, and it's

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like, Oh, I've ghosted again. And it goes to your story bank,

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and you tell everyone, and you complain about men and or the

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sovereign woman sees it as, oh, okay, thanks. This is really

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great information. Thank you for showing me who you are. Thank

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you for showing me your capacity. Thank you for showing

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me your desire and your truth. And you know, yes, it wasn't in

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the way that I would have preferred, and I'm not in charge

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of how every human being on planet Earth behaves around me.

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What a setup right to feel bad about ourselves. So this is an

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opportunity for you, your sovereign woman. So the little

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girl feels what she feels, and this is not to negate your

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feelings. You let her feel her feelings, and you let her vent.

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You let the saboteur vent all the stories that she's made up

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about men, about you, about life, about dating, about being

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alone forever with nine cats. You let your saboteur vent in

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your journal. Get it out, get all the stories out. Then what

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do I feel underneath? What am I believing about myself? What am

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I? How am I making this mean something about myself? What

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does this mean about me?

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And then you feel your feelings. If you want to have a big cry,

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if you want to move the energy through your body, put on some

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music and move the energy through your body, and then you

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connect with that sovereign woman who is always inside, you

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know, and this is the work that I do with women, is learning how

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to live from what I call your heroine. She's the sovereign

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woman. She's always available to you. And if you're waiting for

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some guy or some romantic partner to make you feel safe in

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the world, to feel, make you feel validated or loved or

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worthy or enough, or any of those things. It it will never

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happen. You will never have that because it doesn't come from

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outside of you. It can only come from inside. And this is the

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only way that you will be equipped for a thriving

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relationship, is if you are solid with this relationship

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inside the relationship between the sovereign woman, your

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heroine, and that Wounded Little Girl and your saboteur, that is

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the most important relationship. It is the root of all

Kate Harlow: 00:17:31

relationship challenges. So now you let the sovereign woman

Kate Harlow: 00:17:34

speak to that little girl, and you let her know that she is

Kate Harlow: 00:17:37

safe because you've got you I had the stomach flu yesterday,

Kate Harlow: 00:17:41

like, or like some African bug, I don't know. I was so sick, and

Kate Harlow: 00:17:46

the whole time, I was holding myself, and I was like, I love

Kate Harlow: 00:17:49

you. I've got you. Thank you for healing. Thank you for moving

Kate Harlow: 00:17:52

this through my body, like I was talking to my body, talking to

Kate Harlow: 00:17:55

my heart, talking to myself, rather than letting the little

Kate Harlow: 00:17:58

girl in savagery take over and be like, Oh my god, I'm alone in

Kate Harlow: 00:18:01

a foreign country and I'm gonna die like I didn't feed the fear

Kate Harlow: 00:18:04

based stories. I fed love. And you always have that option to

Kate Harlow: 00:18:09

feed love to yourself, so you can choose to walk around with

Kate Harlow: 00:18:14

the story that you've been ghosted and then go tell all

Kate Harlow: 00:18:17

your friends. Woe is me. I'm a victim. I've been ghosted again.

Kate Harlow: 00:18:21

All these men are ghosting, or you can be the one who has that

Kate Harlow: 00:18:26

healthy, thriving relationship internally, isn't waiting for

Kate Harlow: 00:18:29

somebody else to validate them, but gives it to yourself. If

Kate Harlow: 00:18:33

someone does not respond to you, you can bless them and set them

Kate Harlow: 00:18:36

free, send them a final note. You know, whatever, but also

Kate Harlow: 00:18:40

know, like you know, even if someone disappears from your

Kate Harlow: 00:18:43

life for a while, you may hear from them again, but it's like

Kate Harlow: 00:18:46

you decide what matters to you and what's important to you in

Kate Harlow: 00:18:48

relationship and in relationship, this is actually

Kate Harlow: 00:18:51

something my my bestie, Mariana, spiritual teacher, used to say

Kate Harlow: 00:18:55

it is up to the most conscious person in the relationship. Carl

Kate Harlow: 00:18:59

wolf was his name. He's since passed. But it is up to the most

Kate Harlow: 00:19:03

conscious person in the relationship to hold the

Kate Harlow: 00:19:06

consciousness in the relationship, right? So even if

Kate Harlow: 00:19:09

you're dating and your three dates in, check yourself, right?

Kate Harlow: 00:19:15

If someone is disappearing, look at your text thread, sit with

Kate Harlow: 00:19:19

the energy of, was it the sovereign woman who is in

Kate Harlow: 00:19:24

convert conversation with this person, or was it the Wounded

Kate Harlow: 00:19:27

Little girl who was like trying to get more trying to prove

Kate Harlow: 00:19:29

herself, trying to shape shift, trying to impress him, trying to

Kate Harlow: 00:19:33

get more attention, trying to like? Were you anxious in that

Kate Harlow: 00:19:36

dynamic? Because this is also another important piece to the

Kate Harlow: 00:19:39

because really ghosting is an avoidant tendency. People, the

Kate Harlow: 00:19:43

avoidant pattern is just as painful as the anxious pattern.

Kate Harlow: 00:19:46

It just looks different, right? To an anxious person, avoidance

Kate Harlow: 00:19:50

looks real cool. It's like, Oh, my God, I wish I could be

Kate Harlow: 00:19:53

avoidant. You know, it looks less painful. People that are

Kate Harlow: 00:19:56

avoidants are in equally as much pain internally. They. Strategy

Kate Harlow: 00:20:00

just looks different on the surface, right? So somebody

Kate Harlow: 00:20:03

who's ghosting you, who does not know how to communicate, hey,

Kate Harlow: 00:20:07

thank you so much for the time we had together. It just is not

Kate Harlow: 00:20:10

feeling aligned for me. But I wish you all the best, or I

Kate Harlow: 00:20:13

really appreciate all the time. And here's what I love about you

Kate Harlow: 00:20:17

and but you know, I'm clear that this is not for me moving

Kate Harlow: 00:20:20

forward, whatever, like, that's you. That's great modeling that

Kate Harlow: 00:20:23

you can do if you want to communicate to someone else. But

Kate Harlow: 00:20:27

you know, if you look at someone who is an avoidant, they look

Kate Harlow: 00:20:32

like cool as a cucumber, like they don't give a fuck. And

Kate Harlow: 00:20:34

maybe, if they have some personality disorder, maybe they

Kate Harlow: 00:20:37

are not connected to giving a fuck. But a lot of people do.

Kate Harlow: 00:20:41

I've met so many avoidants. I've worked with so many avoidants,

Kate Harlow: 00:20:44

and they're just like, they go into freeze mode and they shut

Kate Harlow: 00:20:47

down, or they flee, they flight mode, they flee and they run.

Kate Harlow: 00:20:52

But like, not because, not because they're an asshole, not

Kate Harlow: 00:20:55

because they hate the other person, not because they, you

Kate Harlow: 00:20:58

know, think you're unworthy, or whatever, because they are

Kate Harlow: 00:21:02

something has triggered them, and they don't know how to move

Kate Harlow: 00:21:06

through it, right? Most people are just a bunch of like wounded

Kate Harlow: 00:21:09

kids walking around with patterns, survival patterns,

Kate Harlow: 00:21:12

trying to do relationships. So I encourage you to learn how to do

Kate Harlow: 00:21:17

relationship really well, and so you can be the model and help

Kate Harlow: 00:21:20

other people break down how they do relationship. So, you know, I

Kate Harlow: 00:21:26

think of Patricio like he changed so much in our

Kate Harlow: 00:21:28

relationship. My last partner of three years in Greece, he was so

Kate Harlow: 00:21:33

he was more of an avoidant. When we met, he told me he's never

Kate Harlow: 00:21:36

been friends with an ex. He'll never be friends with an ex. And

Kate Harlow: 00:21:39

he told me that our whole whole relationship, and now we're

Kate Harlow: 00:21:43

like, dear friends, and he's like, so loving and so

Kate Harlow: 00:21:47

supportive. And he's like, wow, I never thought I'd be able to

Kate Harlow: 00:21:49

do this, but it's just because he moved through his patterns

Kate Harlow: 00:21:52

being in charge, and now he's living his life with his heart

Kate Harlow: 00:21:55

open, right, grounded in who he is. He's not trying to protect

Kate Harlow: 00:21:58

himself from anything. So the same is possible for you, and

Kate Harlow: 00:22:02

you can help other people heal their wounds just by you being

Kate Harlow: 00:22:06

different. So if you keep attracting avoidant people who

Kate Harlow: 00:22:09

disappear, it's time to look at your side of the street, because

Kate Harlow: 00:22:12

most likely, you've been in your anxious attachment style, which

Kate Harlow: 00:22:17

gets deeply triggered by the avoidant attachment style. So if

Kate Harlow: 00:22:20

your anxious attachment style is up, that is like, like, why

Kate Harlow: 00:22:23

isn't he texting? Why isn't he texting? Oh, I'm gonna send

Kate Harlow: 00:22:25

another message. I'm gonna send it out. I gotta get this thing

Kate Harlow: 00:22:28

from him. I gotta need to get closure. I need to get this

Kate Harlow: 00:22:30

thing from him, or I'm not gonna feel better. It's this like,

Kate Harlow: 00:22:32

anxious energy. I need to get this thing to feel better. There

Kate Harlow: 00:22:36

is a wounded little girl who has the wheel, and it is so

Kate Harlow: 00:22:40

important that you rebuild and repair your relationship with

Kate Harlow: 00:22:44

her. This is how you have secure attachment style. I hear so many

Kate Harlow: 00:22:47

women say, I just want a secure partner, and I'm like, Baby, you

Kate Harlow: 00:22:52

become secure within yourself. You build that healthy secure

Kate Harlow: 00:22:56

attachment relationship internally, and you will attract

Kate Harlow: 00:23:00

someone else who is secure too. That's the secret. It's not

Kate Harlow: 00:23:03

looking for the safety out there. Certainly women have been

Kate Harlow: 00:23:06

brainwashed to look for the safety in men. And there was a

Kate Harlow: 00:23:09

time not that long ago where our safety was in being in

Kate Harlow: 00:23:12

partnership because we had no rights. But we live in a very

Kate Harlow: 00:23:15

different time, and your safety is no longer in a relationship.

Kate Harlow: 00:23:20

Your safety is in a relationship with yourself, and so when you

Kate Harlow: 00:23:25

are have been ghosted, quote, unquote, when somebody's

Kate Harlow: 00:23:27

communication has shut down. First, know that it's not

Kate Harlow: 00:23:31

personal. Second, let your saboteur have her vent. Let that

Kate Harlow: 00:23:36

little girl have her cry, have her feelings, share the anxiety

Kate Harlow: 00:23:39

she's feeling, what she's making it mean. Move the energy through

Kate Harlow: 00:23:43

some embodiment. Practice, yoga, meditation, dance, move. Just

Kate Harlow: 00:23:47

move. Movement. Sound, singing like just move the energy of the

Kate Harlow: 00:23:52

feeling, crying, screaming, whatever you need to do, and

Kate Harlow: 00:23:55

then connect with that sovereign woman who's already inside of

Kate Harlow: 00:23:59

you. She was always inside of you. There is a very loud

Kate Harlow: 00:24:04

airplane flying over my place right now, but the microphone

Kate Harlow: 00:24:06

usually doesn't pick up background noise sounds like

Kate Harlow: 00:24:09

it's about to land on my house. Okay, it's gone. She's always

Kate Harlow: 00:24:13

inside of you, and she's there waiting for you to to let her

Kate Harlow: 00:24:21

heal your heart, lead your life, make new choices, choose new

Kate Harlow: 00:24:25

partners, choose new people. She's waiting to help you. Like,

Kate Harlow: 00:24:29

that's the beauty of the work I do with women. It's like, the at

Kate Harlow: 00:24:32

the beginning, they're like, Oh, I just have to find myself. I

Kate Harlow: 00:24:34

have to find her. Like, that's not there anymore. Lost who I

Kate Harlow: 00:24:37

am. And it's like, no that that sovereign heroin. Woman is

Kate Harlow: 00:24:41

inside of you. She's just waiting for your permission to

Kate Harlow: 00:24:45

let her lead your life. And so when this little abandonment

Kate Harlow: 00:24:50

wound gets activated, or big abandonment wound, when you feel

Kate Harlow: 00:24:54

unworthy, unlovable, when you hate men, when you whatever

Kate Harlow: 00:24:58

arises when you've been. And ghosted, quote, unquote, when

Kate Harlow: 00:25:01

someone's disappeared in their communication, you can choose to

Kate Harlow: 00:25:05

stay in the story and be in the drama of it. And that's how we

Kate Harlow: 00:25:08

are the creators of our own reality, that we become like our

Kate Harlow: 00:25:12

lives become like drama reality TV shows. And that's how most

Kate Harlow: 00:25:15

women bond. I've talked lots about that on the new truth, but

Kate Harlow: 00:25:18

like most women are out there bonding by complaining and

Kate Harlow: 00:25:21

talking about drama to their friends. Oh, here's the thing

Kate Harlow: 00:25:24

that happened to me at work and happened to me in my

Kate Harlow: 00:25:26

relationship, and happened to me dating and happening and blame,

Kate Harlow: 00:25:29

blame, blame, blame, drama, drama, drama. You can choose

Kate Harlow: 00:25:32

that path. Okay, that's the path of this habitat, which is like,

Kate Harlow: 00:25:35

I'm not responsible for my experience. I'm a victim to

Kate Harlow: 00:25:38

life. Life is just happening to me. I'm constantly in chaos. Why

Kate Harlow: 00:25:43

is my life so chaotic? Why do I feel so bad? Well, it's because

Kate Harlow: 00:25:46

you're creating a reality TV show in your head, because your

Kate Harlow: 00:25:49

life is a reality show. Or you can start to take full

Kate Harlow: 00:25:54

responsibility for your life, right? And ghosting is such a

Kate Harlow: 00:25:58

perfect example of this, right? It's like, take full

Kate Harlow: 00:26:01

responsibility. Like, where did I have expectations on this

Kate Harlow: 00:26:03

person? Like, what meaning Am I making of their behavior?

Kate Harlow: 00:26:06

They're just being who they are, and I'm learning who they are.

Kate Harlow: 00:26:09

And I had a fantasy about who I thought they were supposed to

Kate Harlow: 00:26:12

be, and I made up the story that they were this amazing person

Kate Harlow: 00:26:16

that was this and the other, and they were the love of my life,

Kate Harlow: 00:26:18

and they were the one and and I projected that fantasy story

Kate Harlow: 00:26:22

onto them, and then they stopped showing up for me, and they

Kate Harlow: 00:26:26

start, started changing their behavior, and I was mad because

Kate Harlow: 00:26:30

they didn't match up to the fantasy in my mind of who they

Kate Harlow: 00:26:33

were versus the sovereign woman's like, Oh, okay. You

Kate Harlow: 00:26:38

communicate once a week when you're in a committed

Kate Harlow: 00:26:40

relationship with someone, I'm not really into that. I prefer

Kate Harlow: 00:26:44

consistency. I don't mean codependency. Codependency is

Kate Harlow: 00:26:47

toxic, where you're constantly, like, waiting for a response,

Kate Harlow: 00:26:51

versus consistency, someone who's thinking about you and

Kate Harlow: 00:26:54

checks in, you know, in response to your messages. You know, in a

Kate Harlow: 00:26:57

reasonable time, especially if you're in a committed romantic

Kate Harlow: 00:27:00

relationship. So it's okay to have that's those are standards,

Kate Harlow: 00:27:05

right? But you're the sovereign woman isn't trying to contort

Kate Harlow: 00:27:08

the person who's not showing up into the person who should show

Kate Harlow: 00:27:11

up and being mad at them for not being who we projected them to

Kate Harlow: 00:27:16

be like. It takes a long time to get to know someone. How someone

Kate Harlow: 00:27:20

shows up on the first couple dates changes when their shit

Kate Harlow: 00:27:23

starts to come up, right? Most people are in the honeymoon. On

Kate Harlow: 00:27:26

the first few days, the honeymoon is a fantasy. It is

Kate Harlow: 00:27:29

the fantasy phase. So if someone is different, this is the story

Kate Harlow: 00:27:32

I hear all the time about ghosting. Oh, he showed up so

Kate Harlow: 00:27:36

fully. He was so romantic. He was amazing love bombing. He was

Kate Harlow: 00:27:39

amazing in the first like month. And he was obsessed with me. And

Kate Harlow: 00:27:41

it was this, not the other codependency. Did fantasy? All

Kate Harlow: 00:27:45

of that is fantasy. And they were like, get also hooked in

Kate Harlow: 00:27:47

you're obsessed with each other, texting all day, every day. Not

Kate Harlow: 00:27:50

healthy, right? Like, all of that stuff is not healthy.

Kate Harlow: 00:27:53

That's only a little princess in a tower that wants that kind of

Kate Harlow: 00:27:56

love. It's not actually healthy. We think it is, because that's

Kate Harlow: 00:27:59

how it happens in the movies. It's just like, oh, consuming

Kate Harlow: 00:28:02

Oh, like, You complete me. Oh, like, that's that's not a

Kate Harlow: 00:28:06

sovereign person, but they're in fantasy, and then they change,

Kate Harlow: 00:28:10

and we're mad that they changed, but like, who they show you in

Kate Harlow: 00:28:12

the beginning is not who they are. That's why you can't know

Kate Harlow: 00:28:15

if someone's the love of your life in the first five minutes

Kate Harlow: 00:28:18

or five dates or five months. You can't know, maybe, on some

Kate Harlow: 00:28:22

soul level, that you had a really intense soul connection,

Kate Harlow: 00:28:25

maybe, like, let's say, 30 years from now, you're like, I knew on

Kate Harlow: 00:28:28

the first date, but you can't actually know how it's gonna go.

Kate Harlow: 00:28:31

You know when people say that, that they knew there's like,

Kate Harlow: 00:28:35

they knew there was something special here, but they cannot

Kate Harlow: 00:28:37

know how the human experience is and how you're gonna navigate

Kate Harlow: 00:28:40

life challenges, and if this is actually a compatible

Kate Harlow: 00:28:43

partnership, and if you're going to grow together through

Kate Harlow: 00:28:45

everything that life brings, you can't know that. You can't know

Kate Harlow: 00:28:47

that till later, and you don't need to know that. And how

Kate Harlow: 00:28:50

boring, if we just predetermine what our future is going to be,

Kate Harlow: 00:28:53

rather than be in the excitement and the beauty and the juice of

Kate Harlow: 00:28:56

letting your life organically unfold. My God, I didn't even

Kate Harlow: 00:29:00

know anything about Africa freaking other than I took,

Kate Harlow: 00:29:04

actually, I took African dance classes, which is funny, with

Kate Harlow: 00:29:07

amazing woman named Jackie from Cameroon in Vancouver, like, 15

Kate Harlow: 00:29:14

years ago, I took African dance lessons for like two years, and

Kate Harlow: 00:29:17

I was obsessed with it, and then I completely forgot, and nothing

Kate Harlow: 00:29:21

on my radar about Africa and and now I live here, and I'm over

Kate Harlow: 00:29:26

the moon like so aligned. You don't know what the future

Kate Harlow: 00:29:30

holds, and you don't need to know, because guess what? My

Kate Harlow: 00:29:32

love, it's way more beautiful than you could ever imagine. If

Kate Harlow: 00:29:35

you let go of that script and you let life carry you, and you

Kate Harlow: 00:29:39

let so someone disappears from your life. They were not meant

Kate Harlow: 00:29:43

to be in your life anymore. If they actually stop texting and

Kate Harlow: 00:29:46

you never hear from them again, okay, bless them and set them

Kate Harlow: 00:29:50

free. Write them some letters. Tell them thank you for the

Kate Harlow: 00:29:52

experience. Thank you. Thank you. Be an appreciation for the

Kate Harlow: 00:29:55

things that you did that felt good, but then take this space

Kate Harlow: 00:29:59

as information. Information as to how they do relationships,

Kate Harlow: 00:30:02

what they have capacity for, who they really are, be appreciative

Kate Harlow: 00:30:06

of what was, and then open yourself to what's next. Because

Kate Harlow: 00:30:11

what's next is better, but it's not better if you stay in the

Kate Harlow: 00:30:14

story. It's not better if you stay in the dramatization of the

Kate Harlow: 00:30:18

ghosting, if you're still in the Oh, my God, I was ghosted and

Kate Harlow: 00:30:21

like, Oh, these every men ghosts. And online dating is the

Kate Harlow: 00:30:24

worst, and men suck, and there's no good men left on planet

Kate Harlow: 00:30:27

Earth, or women, or whoever you're dating, it is if you stay

Kate Harlow: 00:30:31

in the story, you're limiting yourself to being in the script.

Kate Harlow: 00:30:35

You're missing out on the magical adventure that your soul

Kate Harlow: 00:30:39

is longing for your soul is longing for love in every form,

Kate Harlow: 00:30:43

not just in a romantic relationship, a life you love,

Kate Harlow: 00:30:47

love within yourself, love within your community, love

Kate Harlow: 00:30:49

within your friendships, love within your soul, expression and

Kate Harlow: 00:30:53

create, creative expression in the world, there's so much love

Kate Harlow: 00:30:57

available to you, and it's not going to come in just One

Kate Harlow: 00:31:00

person. And if you are codependent, if you have a

Kate Harlow: 00:31:02

mundane life that you don't love, and then you have guys you

Kate Harlow: 00:31:07

date, or relationships, and that's your everything. That's a

Kate Harlow: 00:31:12

setup. That is the biggest setup. But when you are full

Kate Harlow: 00:31:15

inside of yourself, when you are aligned inside of your life, you

Kate Harlow: 00:31:19

won't perceive it. If someone doesn't text you back, you won't

Kate Harlow: 00:31:22

even frickin notice. You won't notice. Like, if I forget to

Kate Harlow: 00:31:26

text people back, they write me and they're like, Hey, Kate,

Kate Harlow: 00:31:28

like, I didn't hear back from you. It's like, a month later,

Kate Harlow: 00:31:31

and I'm like, oh, cool, sorry, thanks for your patience. Like,

Kate Harlow: 00:31:34

I completely forgot. Like, it's not, not personal. You know it

Kate Harlow: 00:31:38

never, never is. If I don't, if I'm mad at someone, I'll tell

Kate Harlow: 00:31:42

them I'm not going to disappear. And if someone else is mad at

Kate Harlow: 00:31:46

you, and they disappear, that's really good information. That's

Kate Harlow: 00:31:49

called the avoidant isolator. Isolators disappear because it's

Kate Harlow: 00:31:53

so much more painful. The idea because they're not rooted in

Kate Harlow: 00:31:56

their sovereign woman or man, is so much more painful for an

Kate Harlow: 00:32:01

isolator avoidant to have to communicate truth, and like I

Kate Harlow: 00:32:07

said earlier, face being challenged, or having someone

Kate Harlow: 00:32:11

else show their feelings and the devastation on the other side of

Kate Harlow: 00:32:14

that that is so much more painful for them, so it's easier

Kate Harlow: 00:32:18

for them to just disappear. So stop taking it personally. It is

Kate Harlow: 00:32:22

not personal. There is a book called The Four Agreements. If

Kate Harlow: 00:32:25

you have not read it yet, you need to read it. Don Miguel

Kate Harlow: 00:32:27

Ruiz, it's super simple. That was my awakening book The Four

Kate Harlow: 00:32:31

Agreements. The agreements are, don't take things personally,

Kate Harlow: 00:32:34

don't make assumptions. Always do your best and speak with I

Kate Harlow: 00:32:40

think the last one is about integrity, but anyways, but the

Kate Harlow: 00:32:44

first two don't make assumptions and don't take things

Kate Harlow: 00:32:46

personally. Nothing is personal. Everybody's living in their own

Kate Harlow: 00:32:49

saboteurs with their own patterns and their own pain.

Kate Harlow: 00:32:52

It's not about you, right? You can either listen to Linda

Kate Harlow: 00:32:55

upstairs, your saboteur. Sorry for those of you named Linda.

Kate Harlow: 00:32:58

Listen Linda. There's a YouTube video of a little kid going,

Kate Harlow: 00:33:00

listen Linda to his mom. If you haven't seen it, it's hilarious.

Kate Harlow: 00:33:05

So I'm using Linda as the saboteur name. But listen, Linda

Kate Harlow: 00:33:08

like that is I hear you that you're that you believe all of

Kate Harlow: 00:33:12

these things, because this person disappeared, and it felt

Kate Harlow: 00:33:15

so good, I'm going to actually look at my side. Where was I in

Kate Harlow: 00:33:17

fantasy? Where was I projecting into the future. Where was I

Kate Harlow: 00:33:22

having expectations? Where was

Kate Harlow: 00:33:23

I shape shifting? Where was I showing up in my saboteur trying

Kate Harlow: 00:33:27

to get love, trying to get approval, trying to get

Kate Harlow: 00:33:30

something because it's an energetic right? We don't really

Kate Harlow: 00:33:33

attract people who are avoidant. When we're secure, when you have

Kate Harlow: 00:33:36

that secure whole relationship inside of yourself, you're not

Kate Harlow: 00:33:39

going to attract that, and even if you do, you're not even gonna

Kate Harlow: 00:33:43

care. It's like, Oh, thanks for showing me who you are. Bye, we

Kate Harlow: 00:33:46

might have some feelings if you felt strongly for the person,

Kate Harlow: 00:33:50

but you know, it's so much of our feelings, especially in the

Kate Harlow: 00:33:54

first like beginning of a relationship, our fantasy, our

Kate Harlow: 00:33:58

projection into the future, our projection of who we think this

Kate Harlow: 00:34:00

person is, because we felt good when we first met them, right?

Kate Harlow: 00:34:04

So, so check, check yourself. What is my side of the street?

Kate Harlow: 00:34:09

Where did I show up as the Wounded Little Girl in the

Kate Harlow: 00:34:11

saboteur? And how can I start to mentor her and love her and let

Kate Harlow: 00:34:15

her know she's safe and that I've got her no matter who shows

Kate Harlow: 00:34:18

up in our lives, if you have yourself, nothing can be taken

Kate Harlow: 00:34:21

from you. And they say, you know abandonment happens when we're

Kate Harlow: 00:34:25

kids, you can be abandoned, of course, because you are not

Kate Harlow: 00:34:27

safe. As a child, without adults present. However, as an adult,

Kate Harlow: 00:34:31

you cannot be abandoned. If someone leaves, it's because

Kate Harlow: 00:34:34

they chose to leave, even if they didn't write a note or tell

Kate Harlow: 00:34:37

you that they're leaving. That's still their choice, and they did

Kate Harlow: 00:34:40

it in the way that worked for them. And if it doesn't work for

Kate Harlow: 00:34:43

you, you got to work with that internally, because people are

Kate Harlow: 00:34:46

going to show up, but they're often mirroring your own

Kate Harlow: 00:34:49

patterns. They're going to show up how they show up, and you're

Kate Harlow: 00:34:52

going to learn more about yourself, and you're going to

Kate Harlow: 00:34:55

learn more about what matters to you, and then you stand in that

Kate Harlow: 00:34:58

sovereignty, like, Okay, I. When I attract love, what's important

Kate Harlow: 00:35:03

to me is someone who's an amazing communicator, someone

Kate Harlow: 00:35:07

who knows how to clearly communicate, how to share when

Kate Harlow: 00:35:10

something's to know how to be kind and considerate, but also

Kate Harlow: 00:35:13

own their side of the street and stand with and for themselves,

Kate Harlow: 00:35:16

just like I'm going to so I hope this episode expanded you

Kate Harlow: 00:35:21

remember, it's all an inside job. It is always an inside job.

Kate Harlow: 00:35:25

You have to take responsibility for your part and get out of the

Kate Harlow: 00:35:29

victim stories and the dramatization and all the

Kate Harlow: 00:35:32

fantasy and all the BS that we are immersed in when it comes to

Kate Harlow: 00:35:37

everything in life, but definitely relationship, dating

Kate Harlow: 00:35:40

and love. So love. You so much. Share this with every woman you

Kate Harlow: 00:35:44

know, and also if you're enjoying season two, no season

Kate Harlow: 00:35:48

three, the new truth, I would love to have a review. Send

Kate Harlow: 00:35:52

reviews. You can do them on any of the platforms you listen to

Kate Harlow: 00:35:55

the the episodes on, but reviews are so helpful for growing the

Kate Harlow: 00:35:59

podcast. Actually, we just learned that yesterday in a

Kate Harlow: 00:36:02

meeting with my podcasting company. So would love it if you

Kate Harlow: 00:36:05

could share the spread the word with all your gal pals and write

Kate Harlow: 00:36:09

a review. Would be amazing. And also, I'm always, always ears to

Kate Harlow: 00:36:14

hear episode desires or anything you love to hear anything you

Kate Harlow: 00:36:18

want to hear about, send me a message on Instagram or

Kate Harlow: 00:36:22

Facebook. Kate Harlow, the unscripted woman, love you.

Kate Harlow: 00:36:25

We'll see you next week.